Maybe it’s not weird that being in a certain place and doing certain things makes a person feel productive. But it feels weird to me. This has been an extremely productive year in so many ways but because I’ve been doing things I wasn’t used to doing it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished much of anything. I can’t see where the victories are.
Graduating. Getting married. Moving, twice. Progress sure, maturity milestones, most definitely. But victories?
It was easier back in college or even high school. Especially when it came to advocacy. It was always easy to see where the wins were, when I had reached somebody. I got this sense of accomplishment from the thought that something I said I or did was making a difference. And I guess I haven’t had that in a while. There are times I don’t even know if I’m reaching anyone anymore or if I am if I’m making the impact I want to be. I’d compare it to talking into the wind but at least then my voice would be carried somewhere. This feels more like being under a rock and hollering to see if anyone answers.
And I know it’s mainly an issue of exposure. I simply don’t have the sheer number of people to sound off with that I was used to. I haven’t tailored what I want to say and do for where I am now and I’m afraid that’s starting to hurt me. I’m missing out on opportunities to go and do and be more and more every day because I still haven’t settled into this new forward motion. Instead I hit a rut. And it’s been comfortable. I’ve settled in and made myself this small space where whether I talk or not, whether I do or not, I’ve just been and most days that’s sufficient.
But now I’m getting well and truly restless. I’m ready for goals and accomplishments again. I’ve started small but I’ve started. And I think I might just get somewhere.