I am in a rut. I can freely admit that. Do I feel bad about it? Am I aware that I should be trying not to be in a rut? Am I doing everything I can to get myself out? The answer to these questions is yes – ish.
I know what the problem is and I’m even vaguely aware of things that I can do to help. Implementation is the problem. Implementing the things that will lift my mood and make me feel good enough to actually tackle issues at hand seems impossible. This is partially due to the fact that to some extent I feel like I deserve to feel this way, deserve to be in this rut.
However I know this isn’t true. I know that life happens to everyone and every single person makes mistakes that don’t inherently make them a bad person deserving of being drug down and stuck in a rut like this. Believe it or not knowing that is an improvement. So I’m not in the same spot in this rut that I started in. There’s been growth and learning.
I’m trying to understand my feelings and thought patterns better. I want to understand how I think and feel, so I am better prepared for the times when I’m in deeper than I am right now. I’m trying to take care of the things that I am capable of taking care of, or at the very least trying to want to. I’m trying to be gentler with myself and not intentionally make myself feel worse than I do. I’m trying to do things that I like, things I enjoy.
That’s been difficult. My thought process is usually if I can’t manage to do what I need to do and actually be of some use to someone, then I don’t deserve to do something I enjoy or that makes me happy. I’m relatively certain that’s a messed up thought process and I’m trying to fix it. I’m trying to balance what I need to do, both on a daily basis (general self care) and “Adulting” with my interests and things that improve my life in a completely different way. I still fail at this a lot.
Sometimes I can only manage a few “Adulting” tasks and can’t work up to the things that I enjoy. Sometimes I only have focus for those other things, so more seemingly important things get pushed back. But I’ve realized that it’s a process. I’m figuring out how to do what I want to do, even when I’m not able to do what I need to do. I’ll get it one of these days.