I Meant What I Said (But I Should Have Said More)

Every time I publish a new blog post I end up being bombarded with the feeling that I shouldn’t have said what I said. Whether it’s hours or days later, this always happens. I feel like it was too much, too out there and I have the intense desire to take the piece down and never write another thing. Then I start getting feedback.

This doesn’t make the feeling any better by the way. Not because the feedback is negative; I rarely get negative feedback. The majority of my audience that interacts with my writing are people who I’m related to, or who in some way know me in real life. By and large the reactions to my writing are at the very least supportive. Still that feeling creeps in. My brain cycles, much like Hagrid in The Sorcerer’s Stone, “I shouldn’t have said that; I should not have said that.”

Sometimes though, after thinking about the latest piece that has started this parade of doubt and second guessing, I realize it’s less that I shouldn’t have said whatever it was, but that I should have said more. Or I should have said it differently, come at the topic from another angle. Generally this does make that feeling better. Because I’ve still done something good, something worth being proud of, I just have room for improvement the next time I talk about whatever it is.

Truthfully, that’s all I can ever hope for. That each piece, each topic not only reaches someone in my audience, but also shows me where I can improve. I want to know where I make mistakes and fall short so I can correct myself. I never want to stop learning how to best share not only my experiences, but topics related to disability as a whole. I hope to always strive to be the best advocate for myself and my community that I can be.

So here’s to that feeling, and the next time it comes. I probably won’t welcome it. But maybe, eventually, I’ll stop fighting it as hard. After all, I think it’s got a thing or two to teach me. I meant what I said, maybe next time I’ll say more.

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