One of the main goals of this blog has always been to create a space where I can talk about disability related issues and hopefully have important discussions with people about those issues. I try very hard to not center myself in every post and to bring up topics that affect the disability community as a whole. Regardless of whether an issue I’m discussing affects me personally, if I’m taking the time to write about it, it’s some I think is important and deserves attention.

So much of my time is spent working on my writing in one way or another. If I’m not in conversation with my disabled peers or reading about a current issue facing our community, I’m making lists of future blog topics and scheduling posts. There are nights I fall asleep drafting a piece in my head and mornings I wake up with the perfect wording to express an idea I’ve been holding on to for weeks. I’ve said it before and it’s no less true today, I get high off this stuff. Sometimes I question form and method, but I know in my soul advocacy and activism is what I’m meant to do.

I’m not the only one to share this belief. After a recent social media hiatus due to illness I was considering whether to come back at all. I was questioning my ability to impact others in a meaningful way. Cue a few of my support system at the ready with words of encouragement. One reminded me that my words have reached more people and meant more to them than I’m even aware of; another praised me for my ability to express my thoughts and feelings clearly enough for others to be able to relate so completely.

But it was another interaction I had recently that stands out the most. When I was in the depths of near despair and utter aggravation, a friend reminded me I’m only in control of myself, my words and actions. How others perceive me and understand what I’m saying is up to them. I cannot tell you how relieving it was to be told that.

So often the thing I struggle with most is the feeling that my audience isn’t interested or isn’t ready for a lot of the topics and conversations I want to bring to the blog. I want to talk about marriage inequality and workplace discrimination. I want to do a deep dive into the eugenic elements of government assistance programs. But I come on my social media and I’m met with friends and relatives continuing to share inspiration porn and I get discouraged.

I question whether I’m making an impact at all if I keep having to rehash the same issues with the same people. Surely I’m not a good enough advocate if I’m still not done with these, as I see them, obvious conversations. But I’ll keep having them. And whenever anyone wants to, I’ll have the others as well. I won’t give up and I will try to remember I’m only responsible for what I put out into the world. Hopefully it continues to be well received.